Folk Song Follies

[taimatsu]

Over the last few years I have occasionally had a conversation with various musical buddies which invokes the idea of the List Of Things Not To Do If You Find Yourself Stuck In A Folk Song. I have just tried to Google to see if such a thing is extant on the web, and either it's not of my Google-fu sucks.

SO, here's your chance, boys and girls: clearly this list must be compiled and put on my lovely shiny tidy new website (which you can see from the 'Lucy's Home Page' link on my journal).

I'll start you off:

Sensible Advice Should You Find Yourself Stuck In A Folk Song

- Make detailed enquiries into the family background of anyone who wants to sleep with or marry you.
- Take a life-jacket on any sea-voyage.
- Avoid cross-dressing.
- If you can't avoid cross-dressing, avoid flirting with anyone at all while in the garb of the opposite sex.


Any more?

Comments

[lanfykins.livejournal.com]

'In fact, don't flirt with anyone at all.'

[bopeepsheep.livejournal.com]

Avoid strong drink, potions, cakes and treats proferred by pretty women, and any form of food or drink you didn't bring with you.

[anotherusedpage.livejournal.com]

- Lying down under trees is probably a bad idea.
- He's probably not who you think he is.

[arachne.livejournal.com]

Is this a list of things to do or not to do? I can see the "not" applying on the first one, but not taking a lifejacket on a sea-journey?

[taimatsu]

Well spotted. Will edit. :)

[oneplusme.livejournal.com]

Avoiding the sea altogether seems like a much better plan...

On no account join the navy. Or, for that matter, go within twenty miles of any kind of water-borne craft.

[fluffymormegil.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty sure I've seen such a list on the web, with assorted advice on how to avoid becoming a Doleful Ghost or other such unhappy fates, but it was a couple of years ago and I can't remember where.

[ceb.livejournal.com]

http://nielsenhayden.com/makinglight/archives/006448.html

[taimatsu]

Excellent, thank you :)

[fluffymormegil.livejournal.com]

Aha! That appears to be exactly the one I saw (or as close a facsimile as makes no difference :)

[mirabehn.livejournal.com]

1. To avoid elf-attack, either hang your rooms with crosses or refrain from chopping down trees.

2. Stay inside on May mornings.

3. What happens at Tetbury Fair, stays at Tetbury Fair.

4. In general, Shit Happens at Fairs.

5. Keep your own counsel. Unless a complete stranger arrives in scruffy clothing seven years after your love left for the sea. In which case tell him your life story and it will All End Happily Ever After.

6. If at all possible, avoid fighting in the First World War.

and above all...

7. Beware of Long Lankin. Really, beware him. It's much, much better if you do.

[lanfykins.livejournal.com]

Addendum to 7: never trust the nurse.

8. Do not bet on the horse that doesn't have a name.

[arkady.livejournal.com]

Heh. Could also do with a list of Folk Songs Not To Sing In Certain Situations....

(I'm thinking here about the time my late ex and I closed out a folk evening by a stirring rendition of Mundy Turner's "Markham Main", both of us oblivious to the fact the pub landlord was the former union rep for Markham Main....)

[taimatsu]

One that Making Light is missing - if you keep coming home drunk and finding your wife's mother/grandmother/other female relative has sent her a lot of unusual presents, trust me, she's cheating on you.

[imc.livejournal.com]

If a soldier starts asking you for items of apparel when you ask him to marry you, give up — he's already married and is only in it for the free change of clothes.

[mirabehn.livejournal.com]

*giggles*

[also-huey.livejournal.com]

There's a similar list for the blues as well. (http://groups.google.com/group/alt.fan.cecil-adams/msg/641f6db4f487ec12)

[odheirre.livejournal.com]

Don't sleep with a redhead. Even if you're Black Jack Davy.

[borusa.livejournal.com]

If you're a young gentleman, and you decide to have an affair with a married woman, do the deed and leave. Do not fall asleep in her arms.

If you're the sort of woman who likes to hang string out of the window, invest in a lamp so that you can check the identity of whoever has pulled on it.

It's not a noble death to kill yourself to warn your criminal boyfriend of the nearby presence of the law.

Do check whether your opponent is a relative before launching in to a vicious if swashbuckling swordfight. Before launching in to a vicious swordfight, check whether your opponent is a relative.

Steer clear of blacksmiths. None of them are up to any good.

Just sleep with the witch, you idiot.

[lanfykins.livejournal.com]

Damn. There's an entire two of those I didn't recognise.

And I'm amazed you managed to resist, 'Use the bridge, you idiot! The bridge!'

[taimatsu]

And more: If you find yourself, an unmarried girl, going about 'amang sae many men, O!' then invest in lockable knickers. Any tiny house your mither tries to build you to keep you from the men, O!, will be too small for the purpose.

[haggis.livejournal.com]

*giggle* I am amused by the concept of lockable knickers.

[mrdreadful.livejournal.com]

If you are of a military persuasion bear in mind that much of your equipment can be seen as phallic and thus cause all kinds of misunderstandings.

In fact, just avoid anything that involves a phallic symbol. It's easier that way.

Don't gang wi' a Scotsman if you're barely fifteen, your parents won't like it.

[pozorvlak.livejournal.com]

Should you find yourself in a Gaelic folksong (assuming you can speak the language), just give up now, and kill yourself to save time. And kill all your cattle and children while you're at it.

[inbetween-girl.livejournal.com]

If you're going hunting, stick to the daylight hours and don't shoot till you see the whites of your prey's eyes.

Your father is right about Carterhaugh. Really, you'll thank him one day.

If you must insist on shagging married women, arrange your assignations somewhere you will not be overheard.

Never trust anyone called Flora.

If her mother collects ornamental weaponry, go back to your place instead.

Someone should make a quiz out of these!

[lanfykins.livejournal.com]

I quite agree. I'm having great fun spotting the references :)

[mirabehn.livejournal.com]

It doesn't matter how much land and gold you give her, she'll always prefer the bit o' rough. Especially if the bit o' rough can sing.

Take her on long walks on the heather sometimes and don't spend so much time in London.

[atreic.livejournal.com]

Never shoot anything that looks a bit like a bird from a distance.

[angevin2.livejournal.com]

Here via mirabehn. I love this sort of thing. :D

A few more:

If you are making a romantic assignation with somebody your family disapproves of, get a motel room. Don't use your own bedroom. Especially if you have seven homicidal brothers (or any homicidal brothers).

If you do go to sea or to war, be sure to give your True Love half of a ring before you go. Your survival is thus guaranteed.

Never, under any circumstances, go to the broom. Or (and I know this one's at Making Light) the greenwood side.

Don't tell your parents they can burn you at the stake before you'll give up your Scottish/English/otherwise unsuitable boyfriend. They might call you on it. (In general, cross-border romances are a Bad Idea.)

If you give birth to an illegitimate child you don't want to keep around, leaving him anonymously on the doorstep of the local religious institution is probably a better choice on the whole than putting him in a tiny boat and casting him out to sea.

If you must express enthusiasm, in the presence of your husband, for the attractiveness of a random person passing through town, it is prudent to add an "except for you, sweetie" when saying said person is the hottest guy you've ever seen. Especially if your husband is in a position to remove said hot guy's head.

When pleading for the life of your significant other, offering to raise funds is probably a more effective strategy than offering up your six children. And it means that said children won't grow up with complexes.

Avoid the Lowlands low.

When you're trying to get back on the boat, ask your shipmates to pull you up first.

[ashfae.livejournal.com]

Avoid absolutist statements, such as "You must only answer 'no'!" or "No one can satisfy me!" and "I'd sooner die than betray my truelove!" and the like, as they will backfire ironically by the final verse.