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[taimatsu]

Right. I called and asked my mother not to come. So she isn't. Why this made me burst into tears I'm not sure. I'm better now. I still feel bad though.

I now have to consider the birthday issue. Why can't this be easy? In Oxford I just sent out an email to a couple of mailing lists saying 'All of you. Angel and Greyhound meadow. Next Saturday. 1pm. Bring food and booze and mates and frisbees.' Here I have to work out masses of stupid details and deal with my nightmare parents and their plans and work out how many people will fit in the living room and do they know any of the other guests and will they have anything to talk about and what will they eat...

It's looking like postponing the damn thing is the way to go, because then I can spend almost at long as required with my mother. (She needs someone other than Hugo in the house overnight, for long, complex and upsetting reasons, and there's only so many times she can ask my aunt or her friends, and only so much they can afford to pay our cleaner to sleep over.) But I can't make it the week after, the 15th, because that's the day we are celebrating my mum's birthday, which is the 17th. So that makes it the week after that, the 22nd or something, and that could screw up my mum's plans to make me three million quiches for the picnic. I'll just have to rearrange EVERYTHING. But I can't till my dad has actually confirmed his Costa Rica trip dates because I couldn't bear to have to change everything again.

Oh, and somewhere in here I kind of ought to look for a job.

I am just not managing to stay calm about all this. Every single little thing is making me feel like things are falling apart. Every single little problem feels like a huge mountain of awfulness that I somehow have to climb or it's all going to get worse.

I am worried that at some point soon the solution will be staying in bed all day. There have been times in the past when, in order to avoid dealing with whatever the problem of the day might have been, I would actually convince myself I was tired and go back to bed. That's the worst sign. That's a signal things are really bad. And I am kind of feeling the temptation. If I'm asleep, I don't have to think about any of this. It will all just go away.

If I say 'I am so tired' it doesn't necessarily mean I am tired. It is very likely to mean 'I am upset' or 'I am stressed' or even 'I am angry and unhappy'. I keep catching myself thinking that. I'm not tired. I'm grumpy and unhappy and frustrated, but I'm not tired. So why is my brain muttering 'I'm sooooooo tiiiiired!' at me? Grrrr. Stupid habits of thought.

Comments

[juliet]

If it's stressing you out this much, maybe you should abandon having birthday celebrations (other than, say, a nice meal out with Robert) altogether for the moment? You can always have a quarter- or half-birthday later on in the year, if you fancy. Or are there any parks near you that you can just invite folk to?

Sounds like it was the right thing to do to ask your mother not to come round. I'm sure she'll understand - the crying was probably just a bit of stress-relief.

[taimatsu]

Maybe. I certainly need to not do it all on my birthday weekend. I think something near the start of June might work, and there is a park, though it's about ten minutes away. I'm just trying to deal with too many things at once.