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[taimatsu]

Right. I called and asked my mother not to come. So she isn't. Why this made me burst into tears I'm not sure. I'm better now. I still feel bad though.

I now have to consider the birthday issue. Why can't this be easy? In Oxford I just sent out an email to a couple of mailing lists saying 'All of you. Angel and Greyhound meadow. Next Saturday. 1pm. Bring food and booze and mates and frisbees.' Here I have to work out masses of stupid details and deal with my nightmare parents and their plans and work out how many people will fit in the living room and do they know any of the other guests and will they have anything to talk about and what will they eat...

It's looking like postponing the damn thing is the way to go, because then I can spend almost at long as required with my mother. (She needs someone other than Hugo in the house overnight, for long, complex and upsetting reasons, and there's only so many times she can ask my aunt or her friends, and only so much they can afford to pay our cleaner to sleep over.) But I can't make it the week after, the 15th, because that's the day we are celebrating my mum's birthday, which is the 17th. So that makes it the week after that, the 22nd or something, and that could screw up my mum's plans to make me three million quiches for the picnic. I'll just have to rearrange EVERYTHING. But I can't till my dad has actually confirmed his Costa Rica trip dates because I couldn't bear to have to change everything again.

Oh, and somewhere in here I kind of ought to look for a job.

I am just not managing to stay calm about all this. Every single little thing is making me feel like things are falling apart. Every single little problem feels like a huge mountain of awfulness that I somehow have to climb or it's all going to get worse.

I am worried that at some point soon the solution will be staying in bed all day. There have been times in the past when, in order to avoid dealing with whatever the problem of the day might have been, I would actually convince myself I was tired and go back to bed. That's the worst sign. That's a signal things are really bad. And I am kind of feeling the temptation. If I'm asleep, I don't have to think about any of this. It will all just go away.

If I say 'I am so tired' it doesn't necessarily mean I am tired. It is very likely to mean 'I am upset' or 'I am stressed' or even 'I am angry and unhappy'. I keep catching myself thinking that. I'm not tired. I'm grumpy and unhappy and frustrated, but I'm not tired. So why is my brain muttering 'I'm sooooooo tiiiiired!' at me? Grrrr. Stupid habits of thought.

Comments

[juliet]

If it's stressing you out this much, maybe you should abandon having birthday celebrations (other than, say, a nice meal out with Robert) altogether for the moment? You can always have a quarter- or half-birthday later on in the year, if you fancy. Or are there any parks near you that you can just invite folk to?

Sounds like it was the right thing to do to ask your mother not to come round. I'm sure she'll understand - the crying was probably just a bit of stress-relief.

[taimatsu]

Maybe. I certainly need to not do it all on my birthday weekend. I think something near the start of June might work, and there is a park, though it's about ten minutes away. I'm just trying to deal with too many things at once.

[mirabehn.livejournal.com]

I think julietk is absolutely right - postponing the party until everything is a lot more settled sounds like a good idea. None of your guests will mind waiting. You need to look after yourself. Just go somewhere nice with Robert or something. :)

You're probably right that your brain is just trying to get out of thinking about all this. Do remember that it's also possible that you really are emotionally tired and need to rest. Or at least, go somewhere where you can stop worrying about all this for a bit.

Incidentally, I know you're too busy at the moment, but if a time comes in the next couple of weeks that you've got stuff to do that could be done other than in the house, and it's just exhausting you being around the mess, you are very welcome to come over to Newbury and spend the day here. We can do something together or just do our own thing in a quiet companiable way, as you like. I'm out on Wednesday mornings but usually in most of the rest of the week. See how it goes.

*hugs you again*

Elly

[taimatsu]

Well, if my two guests so far don't mind waiting a while, then I will postpone it, and I might even postpone *thinking* about it till after the sofa is all sorted out. So, do they mind? :)

The plan is that I'll be back in Reading from parents for Saturday morning to go shopping with the Robert. Then on the Sunday I will go back to my parents' for family-birthday thing, which might involve board games. There was talk of me inviting a couple of godmothers and people but I'm not going to worry about that just now.

[mirabehn.livejournal.com]

So, do they mind? :)


No, they do not. They regard your well-being as much more important. They are looking forward to the party whenever it happens, but would far rather wait until you are able to enjoy it properly as well.

The plan is that I'll be back in Reading from parents for Saturday morning to go shopping with the Robert. Then on the Sunday I will go back to my parents' for family-birthday thing, which might involve board games. There was talk of me inviting a couple of godmothers and people but I'm not going to worry about that just now.

It sounds lovely. And at least comparitively relaxed, which is just what you need.

*big big hugs*

[the-alchemist.livejournal.com]

I second everything that Elly said.

[ashfae.livejournal.com]

Gyaaaaah! All I can do is offer hugs. Fortunately other people are offering helpful advice. Combine it with more hugs and perhaps that will help. *hugs and hugs*

If you need to, postpone the bloody party a month or two, and make ia an unbirthday party. =)